With their pitiful start to the 2013 season, the Cubs have firmly entrenched themselves in last place in the National League Central division. The problem for the Cubs is, the only team that has has kept them out of the cellar the past two seasons, the Houston Astros, have been shipped off to the American League. The Astros lost a combined 213 games from 2011-2012 and are on pace for another loss total above the century mark this year.

“Come on, Bud, send them back where they belong!” Cubs chairman Tom Ricketts shouted while pounding on Commissioner Bud Selig’s office door. “Please, please, PLEASE! I’ll be your friend since I know you don’t have any!” Ricketts pleaded as Selig hid under the desk in his locked, darkened office.

“This move has brought an unfair expectation on the Cubs to stay out of last place without another team in the division that they can actually beat,” club President Theo Epstein explained. “Our team is pretty wretched but man, oh man, are those Astros deplorable. We lost 101 games last year and STILL finished six games ahead of them! This realignment needs to be undone IMMEDIATELY! Besides, who the hell wants year-round interleague play anyway?”

Despite the very real chance of finishing at the bottom of their division, the Cubs can hope to stay out of last place in the National League thanks to fellow bumbling teams in Miami and San Diego. The Marlins and Padres however, will not be as affected by a last-place finish since nobody cares about their teams. The Marlins will consider it a successful season if they can draw triple-digit attendance and nobody in their organization professes love for any Communist dictators.

Trailer Park Charlie