The hapless Cubs are hosting the even more hapless Astros at Wrigley Field to wrap up the season this week even though not one living being, on Earth or anywhere else in the entire universe can explain why the series should happen.

“Umm, yeah, I’m not so sure,” said Cubs owner Tom Ricketts. “I guess the ivy looks kind of nice this time of year.”

With 205 losses between the two teams, none of the three games beginning Monday will have any significance. The Cubs’ next loss being their 100th of the season, which is an embarrassing mark of futility even for a team best know as the “Loveable Losers.”

“I could not give you one reason to attend this game,” said Cubs manager Dale Sveum. “Hell, I’m kind of hoping I get fired first thing Monday morning so I can ditch out of this series myself. Do you think anyone would notice if I called in sick?”