The almighty lords of baseball patted themselves on the back this afternoon after finding yet another way to put the hurt on Cubs fans: by forcing them to endure a sweep at the hands of the last place Astros – while watching the crosstown rival White Sox sweep Boston.
“It’s what we call a perfect storm of baseball pain,” said Savius, the god of relief pitching. “I’m personally quite proud of Marmol’s blown save, which I of course caused with a flick of my wrist. Hard to throw a slider when the will of Savius is set against you.”
Indeed, the awful events were the result of a team effort, as all the baseball gods united to inflict maximum damage on Cubs nation.
“There was Clutcheo, the god of clutch hitting, totally hexing the Cubs’ lineup. Then there was Homerius, putting some much-needed pop in the bats of the White Sox,” said Savius. “And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Benchma, the ancient god of managing, who has always liked Ozzie’s wild antics.”
When asked what the future held for the Cubs, the gods were purposely vague.
“Could be 100 losses,” they said. “Or it could be another World Series title for the Cardinals. Depends on our mood.”