Not satisfied by the six large bear claws he’d already eaten, Astros outfielder Carlos Lee has taken a Wrigley field employee hostage until “someone gets him another dozen damn donuts.”

“Stay back or the geek gets it!” growled Lee, referring to Mark Chapin, the skinny 24-year-old clubhouse attendant he currently had in a headlock. “And don’t even think about bringing me some normal, glazed crap. I want the big ones with the almond claw thingies.”

While they were surprised by the latest incident, Astros officials admitted something like this was bound to happen due to Lee’s shifting focus from baseball to pre-game food intake in 2011.

“As his skills have dwindled, we’ve noticed a … well … let’s just say Carlos is going to finish the season with a higher weight than batting average,” said manager Brad Mills. “Just the other day he asked for time in the batter’s box so he could finish his sandwich.”

Heckler George