Dolphins

Just minutes after the Blackhawks' 6-2 loss to Colorado Friday night, the living members of the 1972 Dolphins again annoyingly toasted the continuation of their reign as pro sports' most recent undefeated team.

In a week where the Miami Dolphins have been repeatedly slammed by the media for allowing a culture of bullying and hazing to permeate their locker room, it looks as though the team has finally found themselves an ally.

"I'm just like any other bully, completely insecure about how small my dick is," said Incognito. "A lot of people try to understand why I'm such a jerk, but it all boils down to the way I feel about the size of my penis."

The game on ESPN between two teams in varying degrees of turmoil will be replaced by a commercial-free showing of "Saving Private Ryan."

“We wanted to send a special message that here in Miami, no matter how many times a whistle-blower or informant tries to betray our city by speaking out against emotional abuse and workplace harassment, the ‘Miami Strong’ community is here to stand behind our angry and abusive brothers.”

"With everything that has been going on this past month, I really wanted an outlet to take my mind off of this unfortunate situation," said Incognito. "And when Adam Sandler called me personally to ask if I wanted to play an obnoxious bully who only repeats the words 'O'Doyle Rules!' while trying to make people weaker than me miserable, I knew I had found that outlet."

Wet Willies, atomic wedgies and super hot Indian burns can all be given by the man who has been unceremoniously removed from every team he has played for dating back to college.