The NFL’s plan to honor America’s military veterans during Monday Night Football has taken a turn for the better when Roger Goodell announced our war heroes will not be forced to subject themselves to the scheduled crapfest between the 4-4 Miami Dolphins and 0-8 Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The game on ESPN between two teams in varying degrees of turmoil will be replaced by a commercial-free showing of “Saving Private Ryan.” Veterans who were planning on attending the game in person will be allowed to hang out in the Buc’s pirate ship and watch the movie on the stadium’s video board while enjoying unlimited free popcorn.

“America’s veterans have sacrificed so much for this country,” Goodell said during a press conference to announce the switch. “They clearly deserve better than being forced to watch a game between a team whose players bully each other and a team who bullies its fans by sucking at football. ‘Saving Private Ryan’ is a great movie that shows the rest of us just how rough our armed forces have it when they fight to defend our freedom. This Veteran’s Day celebration shall be salvaged by the great Tom Hanks!”

While Goodell’s intentions were good, ESPN is doing its part to ruin the experience by allowing booth analyst Jon Gruden to give commentary during “Saving Private Ryan.” He will be allowed to yell over the dialogue of the movie and draw circles on the screen at his leisure. Those who plan to tune in can expect to hear him get excited by menial things in the movie, declare every scene “amazing!” and proclaim some of the lesser actors in the film “the best I’ve seen!”

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