Hoping that publicly recognizing the source of his anger would salvage whatever is left of his career, suspended Dolphins offensive lineman Richie Incognito today admitted that he’s been driven to a life of bullying due to feelings of inadequacy over his tiny penis.
“I’m just like any other bully, completely insecure about how small my dick is,” said Incognito. “A lot of people try to understand why I’m such a jerk, but it all boils down to the way I feel about the size of my penis.”
Despite being a six-foot-three, 300-pound man, Incognito’s penis is reportedly “best described as tiny” and has led him to lead a life filled with blind rage, as evidenced by his many behavioral incidents, including the reported long-standing bullying of teammate Jonathan Martin who left the Dolphins after no longer being able to take Incognito’s abuse.
“I still remember my first bullying episode like it was yesterday,” said Incognito, while bubbling over with clearly complex emotions. “I had just taken my first shower at gym class in seventh grade and immediately punched a fourth-grader for looking at me funny. Really, though, I was just ashamed of how poorly hung I discovered I am.”