Sunday, December 10, 2023

Tigers sign Prince and immediately seek federal government bailout

“We’re pleased as punch to have Prince here!” said an elated Dombrowski. “However, I do want him to know he may be taking cold showers in our clubhouse, and riding a rented 1987 Greyhound bus when we travel to Tampa--at least until Uncle Sam pulls through!"

Tigers sign 285-pound albatross

"Anytime you can get a talent like Prince, you go out and do it," said Tigers manager Jim Leyland. "Sure, his rotund frame might break down in three or four years, but I'll be long retired by then anyway."

Cubs purchase Wrigleyville McDonald’s in anticipation of signing Prince Fielder

The Cubs made headlines earlier this week when owner Tom Ricketts purchased a parcel of land across from Wrigley Field where a McDonald's currently sits. Seen originally as a move to bolster the ownership's presence in the neighborhood, Ricketts revealed Friday morning that it's actually a prelude to the hopeful signing of portly free agent Prince Fielder.

Braun blames drug test on eating a leftover chorizo from the sausage race

Disgraced Brewers slugger Ryan Braun is blaming a leftover chorizo for the drug test he failed at the end of this season.

Disappointed in lack of good Wisconsin roosters, Ramirez to start cow fighting ring

Just days after news leaked that star left fielder Ryan Braun tested positive for heightened levels of synthetic testosterone, the Brewers are facing another PR nightmare as newly signed third baseman Aramis Ramirez announced plans to begin training and fighting cows during the off-season.

Brewers sign Aramis, will make Italian Sausage his personal pinch-runner

"Italian will be Ramirez's personal pinch-runner," said Brewers GM Doug Melvin. "Aramis was very clear that he doesn't want to run at full speed during his tenure, and Italian is way faster than him anyway."