Brewers

After Friday night's nasty shoulder injury sidelined third baseman Aramis Ramirez for at least a month, Cubs manager Lou Piniella would like to know if you're available to fill in tonight against the Brewers.

Cubs GM Jim Hendry's annual pre-Christmas week four-day nap ended Sunday morning when his cell phone rang with news that the rival Brewers had acquired Cy Young winner Zach Grienke from the Royals.

Despite depletion of resources throughout the globe, Prince Fielder, one of the largest mammals in the Western Hemisphere, appears to be getting larger, baffling scientists.

Chicago became the fourth MLB city this season to experience what scientists have termed a "PrinceQuake."

Brewers manager Ron Roenicke announced today that newly acquired Francisco Rodriguez will be setting up John Axford for the remainder of the season. He was cryptic in his reasoning, but it is believed he made the decision with overweight fans in mind.

Let's face it. We're all going to give up on the 2011 Cubs as soon as the NFL regular season starts. That's why you should join The Heckler's Unbelievable Cubs-Brewers Roadtrip of 2011 on Friday night, Aug. 26. Everyone who joins gets a ticket in our group of front-row bleacher seat at Miller Park, round-trip bus transportation from the North Side to Miller Park, a professionally catered tailgate and all the beer you can possibly consider consuming.

"Bernie and Steve Phillips, the fan greeter [no relation to former Mets GM Steve Phillips], are two great additions to the New York Mets organization," said Mets GM Sandy Alderson. "Bernie's great enthusiasm, curve ball and knowledge of beer and hops will undoubtedly help our organization in fan entertainment, overall on-field talent and alcohol sales."