Wednesday, May 29, 2024

Sveum leaves trail of pizza bites from Fielder’s locker to Wrigley

With the announcement that Dale Sveum will become the new Cubs manager, many fans were left wondering exactly what it is the former Brewers hitting coach has that caught the eye of Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer. At today's press conference, the only conditions of Sveum's hiring were revealed.

Ryan Braun busted for PEDs: Let’s hear your headline ideas

Anyone with an internet or cable connection knows by now that Brewers MVP outfielder/restauranteur/douchey T-shirt salesman Ryan Braun reportedly failed a drug test this fall. It's huge news and we're giving you a chance to give us your take on what the headline should be. Simply write it in the comments box below this post or email it to theheckler@theheckler.com. The best headlines might wind up as a Heckler article and we'll give you full credit so fire away.

Ryan Braun’s failed drug test caused by ink from his awful shirts

"Unfortunately, the ink in my Remetee shirts has proved to be laced with HGH and other performance-enhancing drugs," said Braun. "We were only going for fashion-enhancing chemicals, but I guess the science guys mixed up the formula or whatever ... then it seeped into my skin ... and, uh ... I gotta go!"

Brewers sign Aramis, will make Italian Sausage his personal pinch-runner

"Italian will be Ramirez's personal pinch-runner," said Brewers GM Doug Melvin. "Aramis was very clear that he doesn't want to run at full speed during his tenure, and Italian is way faster than him anyway."

Disappointed in lack of good Wisconsin roosters, Ramirez to start cow fighting ring

Just days after news leaked that star left fielder Ryan Braun tested positive for heightened levels of synthetic testosterone, the Brewers are facing another PR nightmare as newly signed third baseman Aramis Ramirez announced plans to begin training and fighting cows during the off-season.

Braun blames drug test on eating a leftover chorizo from the sausage race

Disgraced Brewers slugger Ryan Braun is blaming a leftover chorizo for the drug test he failed at the end of this season.

Cubs purchase Wrigleyville McDonald’s in anticipation of signing Prince Fielder

The Cubs made headlines earlier this week when owner Tom Ricketts purchased a parcel of land across from Wrigley Field where a McDonald's currently sits. Seen originally as a move to bolster the ownership's presence in the neighborhood, Ricketts revealed Friday morning that it's actually a prelude to the hopeful signing of portly free agent Prince Fielder.