The Milwaukee Brewers have reportedly signed former Cubs third baseman Aramis Ramirez to a three-year deal. According to sources, they’ve complemented the signing by also shifting the Italian Racing Sausage from in-game entertainment to a spot on the baseball roster.

“Italian will be Ramirez’s personal pinch-runner,” said Brewers GM Doug Melvin. “Aramis was very clear that he doesn’t want to run at full speed during his tenure, and Italian is way faster than him anyway.”

Heckler George