Immediately after inking Prince Fielder to a nine-year, $214 million deal Tuesday, the Tigers filed for bankruptcy in Federal Court and immediately asked the Obama administration and members of Congress to provide the organization with a federally funded bailout.
Detroit GM Dave Dombrowski confirmed the deal and the request to the feds.
“We’re pleased as punch to have Prince here!” said an elated Dombrowski. “However, I do want him to know he may be taking cold showers in our clubhouse, and riding a rented 1987 Greyhound bus when we travel to Tampa–at least until Uncle Sam pulls through!”
When asked about the economic impact of the deal, Dombrowski brustled.
“Listen, this is Detroit,” said Dombrowski. “We have like 50 percent unemployment. Do you think anybody can afford our $2 hot dogs? So what’s it going to matter when we raise the price to $17?”
Given the current state of politics, reporters asked Fielder’s “super-agent” Scott Boras if he cared that the Tigers were now forced to ask the federal government for bailout money as a result of the mega-deal.
“What do I care?” said a chuckling Boras. “I’m part of the 1 percent! They can take some of that bailout from the fat commission I just ripped, baby! Hell, I planned to use it to light my cigars, anyway!”