St. Louis

"Shots to the knees shorten careers while headhunting leads to long-term CTE issues," said NFLPA executive director DeMaurice Smith. "But your testicles? What's the worst that can happen, low sperm count?"

"I hope Kyle kicks Chris's butt," said Howie. "I've always liked Kyle more. He's just like me, only without the crappy movies like the ones I did. Chris is more like that comedian on Fox's pregame show ... lame and no talent."

The Cardinals fan in question has been spotted approaching complete strangers while saying things like, "Tough loss for you guys last night, huh?" and, "You have to admit, from an outsiders perspective, that was a pretty great win for the Blues, wasn't it?"

All around the city of Chicago the police and fire department have been called twice more than usual today for inexplicable accidents. Pedestrians have been running into walls, drivers have missed their turns and run into each other, and numerous people have gotten caught halfway through the door on the "L."

"Listen, when the Hawks and Blues face off in the playoffs, we know how it's going to go. 75% of the time, one team will have the lead before coughing it up with minutes or seconds left to go, be it a power play on a [Brent] Seabrook penalty or an advantageous short-ranged shot from Bryan Bickell. But at the end of the day, fans are waiting around for three hours to get the same result they'd see from watching five minutes of an overtime game."

Sam, the first openly gay player ever drafted, is expected to find somebody else during the first month of the season between divisional road games against either Arizona and Seattle.

“Look dudes. You guys know the Brycenator totally scores with all kinds of beautiful babies. I mean I am like the biggest tail hound out there. I'm just a freaking wizard with all the sexy women. Also, I’m not gay.”