Chicago

Aging prop comic Gallagher and once-funny Dane Cook have both been invited to Cubs camp in Mesa, Ariz., to vie for the role of backup comedic relief to pitcher Ryan Dempster. Staying true to the team’s new philosophy of being deep in each position, team president Theo Epstein issued personal invitations to both comics.

Jason Marquis' impressive performance in his Cubs debut was marred by a bullpen meltdown in which a one-run Cubs lead quickly turned into a three-run deficit, from which the Cubs never recovered, losing 5-2 to the hometown Cincinnati Reds.

An intern at Amelie Arena, who wished to remain anonymous stated, "Look. Nobody should come into our house wearing their colors. This is our stompin' grounds!"

Space is running out for The Heckler's 14th Annual Spring Training trip to Mesa Feb. 28 to March 3. This trip has everything: Beer, food trucks, a DJ, beer, sunshine, beer, ThunderDrunk and ... Cubs baseball! And beer.

"Roy Williams is very, very shitty receiver," said Sato. "But when he did his Dropzilla act it reminded me of all the carnage another beastly, alligator-armed monster has wreaked our proud country and I just about lost it."

As The Heckler's Cubs buzz wears down (a bit?) and the Bears buzz fizzles like a wet sparkler, we're reminded Chicago has other teams with proud traditions of winning once in a while. Today we look back on an unfortunate soul who found himself on the fringes of some of those victories.

“How am I supposed to act intimidating after eating PB+J with the crusts cut off?” asked Leddy. “From now on it’s meatball subs, and mom, make my Cheetos flamin’. And no more perfectly-cubed fruit, throw the whole cantaloupe in there.”