Cubs

“You see, when teams are struggling for a long time, they tend to get a little desperate,” said Chicago police officer Bob Jones. “Lose for over a century, and then something like this happens.”

"We appreciate what Kris has done this spring, but he had 40 at bats and only hit nine home runs," said team President Theo Epstein. "That's just not acceptable if he wants to play in the big leagues."

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"The team has spent considerable money on renovating the bleachers, and the engineers are concerned that the constant barrage of towering Kris Bryant home runs may damage the integrity of the stadium and severely hamper the construction process," said Epstein. "Obviously, safety is our top priority. So it is for that reason, and that reason alone, that we will wait to promote Kris to the big league club until the bleachers are deemed structurally sound."

When asked for his secret, Derusso credited his no-nonsense, oldschool approach to bracketology that he attributed to the St. Louis style of baseball he so strongly supports, as well as general inexperience and pure luck.

"There are a lot of ups and downs in baseball," said Lester, who signed a six-year, $155 million free agent deal with the Cubs this winter. "Unfortunately sometimes that involves health issues, like this bloody stump where my pitching arm used to be."

Once vilified and shunned by the city of Chicago for his role in the 2003 NLCS, reported sightings of ousted Cubs fan Steve Bartman have become more frequent than a 2011 Carlos Marmol blown...