Addressing his missed start Saturday, newly acquired Cubs ace Jon Lester told a hushed group of reporters at Spring Training this morning that his recently amputated left arm is “no big deal,” saying he hoped to be back in the rotation within a week.

“There are a lot of ups and downs in baseball,” said Lester, who signed a six-year, $155 million free agent deal with the Cubs this winter. “Unfortunately sometimes that involves health issues, like this bloody stump where my pitching arm used to be.”

Lester refused to provide details surrounding his arm amputation or exactly how he intended to ever pitch again, only saying repeated “It’s no big deal” and “I’ll be back out there soon.”

Manager Joe Maddon refused to break from his quirky “nothing phases me” attitude.

“People say bad things happen to the Cubs, but that’s just life,” said Maddon, “Sure, maybe the Cubs are more likely to have something awful occur like a newly acquired star pitcher getting his arm amputated just weeks before he was supposed to make his nationally televised opening night debut at the crumbling casket of a stadium that’s only one-quarter of the way through a half-baked construction project, but whatever.”

Repeated Maddon: “That’s just life.”