Wednesday, June 29, 2022

NHL rulebook update: beating Hawks, Sharks in regulation now worth three points

“Consider the superhuman effort it would take to actually overcome the inevitable six-goal barrage. Add to that the endless forechecking, skilled defense and two hot goalies,” said a breathless league executive. “We wanted to make such an amazing victory special. That is, if it ever actually happens.”

Blackhawks’ summer celebration rudely interrupted by prompt start of NHL season

“I was over at Wrigley enjoying my usual on-the-house Stanley Cup full of Old Style when I was told there was a practice or something?” said Sharp. “So I ran right over. Well … finished what was left. Then took a cab.”

Bettman admits to suspending ailing Toews ‘for fun’

“This commissioner gig is pretty sweet if you can get it,” said Bettman. “I must admit, it certainly makes me chuckle thinking how mad Johnny must be, with his little serious cheeks, and that he’s too weak to summon the energy."

Comatose Bettman mistaken for zombie, stabbed in head

The injury, oddly, had almost no effect on Bettman, who is expected to recover fully. After the pencil was removed, much of the shrapnel remained in the victim’s head, but, according to doctors, this hasn’t yet affected his normal state.

Hawks re-acquire Kris Versteeg exclusively to rap new goal song

“We’ve been draining every ounce of energy from this song for several years,” said Bowman. “Honestly, at this point it’s become way too humble. Seriously. We’ve got rings, plural. Girls. Whirlpools. The guys are popping out babies left and right. It’s time to rap about it.”

Report: Something definitely happening somewhere in NHL

“We are in a peak period for the game,” said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. “16 teams will make the playoffs, and 14 teams will miss the playoffs and that is certainly a factual statement about the NHL that cannot be disputed. Please don’t ask me to elaborate further.”

NHL, NHLPA stuck on whether to move Canucks, or burn Vancouver, then move Canucks

“Whether you’re a big-shot team owner or a fourth-line enforcer, everyone can agree that we’re tired of Vancouver’s crap,” said the unnamed source. “I mean, they already tore half the city down themselves. These guys just want to finish the job.”