Monday, October 2, 2023

Cavs, Warriors agree to end series early to avoid invitations to White House

“We’ve already won a few,” said Warriors guard Steph Curry, “so we’re good with just packing it in now. We love our fans and it’d be great to add another ring to this hand but I’d rather eat one of LeBron’s socks after an OT loss than have to go to D.C. these days.”

Browns fan actually glad he doesn’t root for Bears

"I thought we were bad. Then I saw some of the Bears-Bucs highlights, and I thought, maybe 0-16 isn't so terrible after all," he said. "At least the Browns know they're not a good team. It's like, hey, we get it. We suck. But Chicago actually went into Tampa Bay confident? And then laid that turd? Wow. Talk about embarrassing."

NBA’s Eastern Conference Finals to continue anyway

"This is a best of seven series," said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver. "We have TV deals in place, player contract stipulations must be enforced and I'd personally like to see LeBron [James] just destroy Toronto's will to live, to be honest."

After signing Mets exec, Browns announce Manziel will be replaced by Matt Harvey

"When the Browns hired me, a baseball executive from the moneyball movement who was the general manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers during their second worst season since 1958, to oversea the overhaul of the Cleveland Browns as their Chief Strategy Officer, answerable only to the team president, I knew that they were willing to get their team on track."

Heroic Johnny Manziel jumps off inflatable swan to save hot girl from bad selfie

The man now dubbed "Johnny Hero" jumped off of his inflatable party swan, grabbed the girl’s T-One Mobile Sidekick away from her and then -- while in mid-air -- found time to take a picture of himself giving his patented cash money sign, all before safely landing on a pile of rolled up hundreds he had misplaced earlier in the evening.

Johnny Manziel wins ESPY for Perseverance

Previous recipients played an entire season through unbelievable adversity. However, none of those people could hold a candle to the man who was able to hang like a rock star in Vegas getting drunk on the back of an inflatable swan, all the while never missing a single OTA.

Enraged Miami fans lash out at LeBron by vowing to ignore Heat for another...

"We didn't care about the Heat for the four-year period between our first championship and the signing of LeBron, and we sure as hell won't care now," said George Varela of Pompano Beach.