The world was waiting breathlessly for a hero. Somewhere out there was a man who would do something so brave, so selfless, something that nobody else would have ever had the courage to do. That someone was Johnny Football.
Last Tuesday night, while partying at Marquee in the Cosmopolitan at 3AM, just hours before a preseason tilt against the Patriots, Johnny Manziel noticed something out of the corner of his eye: one of the Beautiful Babies in the VIP lounge was about to take a bad selfie.
Tragically, this top-shelf honey had no way of knowing that her clear pumps were on uneven ground, and worse yet, the glare from the bottle service tray was going to do unspeakable damage once the flash went off. It was going to make this chick look like a full-on hag.
Seeing everything unfold several plays in advance, Manziel did what he did last year against every single football team he played, except the ranked ones. The man now dubbed “Johnny Hero” jumped off of his inflatable party swan, grabbed the girl’s T-One Mobile Sidekick away from her and then — while in mid-air — found time to take a picture of himself giving his patented cash money sign, all before safely landing on a pile of rolled up hundreds he had misplaced earlier in the evening.
Many disbelievers and skeptics think this was some easy feat that anybody could have done, but they’re dead wrong, because while Manziel was flying through the air he had to dodge a cloud of marijuana smoke, knowing full well the consequences of a positive drug test. Also, he had to make sure not to collide with the sexy party girl with too much velocity because that could actually hurt her, and now the NFL actually does care about domestic violence.
Despite questions about his story’s authenticity, and although no video has surfaced to corroborate Manziel’s account, Browns teammates and coaches were quick to come to Manziel’s defense, swearing that he is a high-character guy who really only wants to be known as a football player. Meanwhile, requests for interviews for Manziel were turned down as he was en route to the White House to accept his Presidential Medal of Freedom.