Wrigley Field has whored around in recent years, behaving shamefully, hosting non-baseball events such as movie shoots, concerts and murder-mystery dinner theater.

The latest addition to Wrigley’s devil-may-care pursuits is an automated voice that emits from all corners of the once-hallowed venue.

“The voice has been a part of Wrigley forever,” Cubs owner Tom Ricketts said. “In the past it only had one phrase, the one about how you should respect and honor the tradition of Wrigley Field. We’ve added hundreds of phrases now.”

The newly verbose voice is now equipped with many phrases, such as “Can you tie a hundred-dollar bill to a rock and throw it up to me?” and “Do you want to impress that girl with your throwing arm, or what?”

The voice knows exactly which phrases to use in any given situation because it is computerized.

“If every person who walks by Wrigley Field were to give it just one dollar, we could really have some nice payroll flexibility,” Ricketts said. “Plus, it’s just more character for the park.”

By Rob Christiansen