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The weekend’s brutal series loss and horrific blood letting to the Pirates shocked those Cub fans who haven’t read Ronnie R.R. Wickers novel “Game of Cubs.”

A statement from both mayors said, “These two great cities are billions in debt, so it would be irresponsible for us to make the usual bet, like 200 pounds of Vienna beef hot dogs and a couple of frozen deep-dish pizzas for a few dozen lobsters and a gallon of chowder.”

Asked about the video, Pat Kane Sr. said “Yeah, yeah, yeah … 22 career playoff goals. Of course they’re in the video. But Patrick scored the hat trick because I secretly spliced Miracle on Ice into the film. You know, subliminally, the way the words ‘order a pizza’ are invisibly edited into those late night infomercials for exercise machines.”

Police reported that a 24” J.C. Higgins bicycle with a blown balloon tire was found in a Rhododendron bush with the remnants of a banana seat strewn throughout Pine Tree Lane.

Asked if he thought he was being somewhat presumptuous for predicting an NLCS appearance for his team as early as June, Matheny said, “Are you kidding me? Last I checked, we were in the same division as the Cubs, Brewers and Pirates.”

"Bickell's been one of the best players in the league this season, all sixteen games. But he's not even a finalist for the Hart Trophy! Instead it's between Crosby, Ovechkin, and John Tavares. I've never even heard of that last guy."

The NFL has long frowned upon players changing uniform numbers in mid-career. That’s why it was a surprise when the league approved the Bears Evan Rodriguez new number, .17.