Blackhawks News
Toews counters Kane’s partying antics with crazy Mother’s Day weekend in Branson
Jealous Patrick Kane’s reckless party animal persona, Jonathan Toews decided to let his hair down this Mother’s Day weekend in Branson, Mo., the town Bart Simpson once described as “Like Las Vegas if Ned Flanders ran it.”
Kane denied spot on Avengers: ‘Being drunk d-bag not a superpower,’ says Capt. America
“Patrick Kane is not of sound moral fiber,” said Captain America. “In fact, he is kind of a douche. We can’t have our superheroes uttering anti-Semitic remarks and choking 18-year-old girls at college parties.”
Kane denies passing out at Madison bar: ‘I’m not some candy-ass’
“As you can tell from the photos, I was partying my balls off all day and got a little tired,” said Kane, “but I wasn’t passed out. I was just taking a quick nap. I’m not some candy-ass who can’t handle his booze or something.”
Blackhawks’ power play wins Vezina Trophy
Following a season in which Chicago’s power play crippled the franchise, the league has recognized the Blackhawks’ ineffectual special team by awarding it the Vezina Trophy, normally reserved for the top goalie in the NHL.
Intensity of playoffs leads to Coach Q’s mustache spontaneously combusting
The pressure of the playoffs finally got to Blackhawks coach Joel Quenneville as his infamous mustache spontaneously burst into flames during the first period of Monday’s pivotal first-round playoff contest against the Coyotes. Coach Q calmly extinguished the blaze and continued coaching. In less than five minutes the mustache had fully regrown.
Raffi Torres to return to Chicago for WWE Extreme Rules later this month
Newly suspended Phoenix Coyotes winger Raffi Torres is turning to a new outlet to unleash his violent streak. Since being handed a 25-game suspension, Torres was immediately contacted by WWE and offered a guest spot during their “Extreme Rules” event at Allstate Arena, Sunday, April 29. Torres agreed to terms almost immediately.
Annoying little kid with no friends dreams of being NHL referee someday
Inspired by the terrible job NHL officials are doing during the 2012 playoffs, friendless annoying little kid Bobby Phillips has been inspired to become a league referee someday when he’s old enough to make the kind of awful decisions that negatively impact the lives of players and fans on his own.
Shanahan adds 4 games to Shaw suspension after Torres’ hit on Hossa
NHL fans were again shocked by the actions of head disciplinarian Brendan Shanahan after he tacked four games onto Andrew Shaw’s controversial three-game suspension for the brutally dirty hit Raffi Torres laid on Marian Hossa Tuesday night.
Shaw legally changes name to Shea, reinstated for Game 3
“Wait, did you say Shea?” Shanahan asked, referring to Nashville Predators superstar Shea Weber, who was not suspended for slamming an opponent’s player into the glass. “My bad. I thought he was a nobody! Guys like Shea are held to a totally different standard.”
Coyotes goalie Smith named new professor in Vlade Divac School of Flopping
Vlade Divac has been away from the game for many years now, but he is always looking for talented individuals to teach the art of flopping, which he has mastered. It’s no surprise that he was very impressed with Coyotes goalie Mike Smith’s performance Saturday night of “man getting shot in back after brushing face into another player,” that he has recruited Smith to teach others in Vlade Divac’s School of Flopping.
