NFL

The team decided to use their championship rings to spice up the fierce Bears-Packers rivalry.

Sundays without football will provide more time for other things, NFL fan and general idiot Mark Williams recently claimed.

“With the support of Jesus, the fans, and my family, I’ve learned the error of my ways,” Burress said. “I am a changed man. The next time I go into a nightclub with a bunch of strippers and hoodlums, I will have a trigger lock on my unregistered firearm."

“With Lockout Edition, you generate points on what a player does off the field, instead of on it,” said an ESPN.com representative. “Points will be awarded based on players who get charged with a DUI, murder, rape, possession of a firearm, possession of a controlled substance, animal cruelty, and so on.”

“I was worried some of the players weren’t going to show up this year because of all the talk about them being cash-strapped,” said Wilf. “But it turns out their giant signing bonuses and outrageous salaries were enough to keep them owning yachts despite this short work stoppage.”

The NFL has once again proven why it sets the gold standard for merchandising among the four major American sports leagues.

"I try to go through the slide as many times as possible in five minutes," said an exhausted Brian Urlacher after reaching the bottom of the tube slide. "It's one of the most difficult workouts I've ever done. I don't know why we didn't think of this earlier."