NFL

“This is outrageous!” screamed Forte as he stormed into GM Jerry Angelo’s office. “Everybody gets a raise but me, huh? When was the last time Ralph carried 50 percent of this franchise’s offense?!”

In another sign of the growing rift between Bears QB Jay Cutler and offensive coordinator Mike Martz, the latter purchased “a large quantity” of D batteries to hurl at Cutler during Monday’s game against the Eagles.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell today announced Lions DE Ndamukong Suh has been fined $20,000 for poking Patriots QB Tom Brady on Facebook earlier this week. It represents the league's latest effort to curb Suh's beastly intimidation tactics but is the first time he's been fined by the league for something done off the field.

A contrite Philip Rivers issued an apology today to a Midwestern man he’s never met Tuesday. In a fit of rage, Jack Snellenwarth of Waterloo, Iowa emailed the Chargers star explaining that Rivers had all but single-handedly destroyed Snellenwarth’s fantasy football season.

Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

Michael Stern is a huge NFL fan and MIT professor who decided a "downhill runner" could not exist in the three-dimensional world of football but went out and proved it.

“I am just trying to protect what is rightfully my intellectual property,” Rodgers said. “I have some other great ideas I'll give to the WWE, free of charge. How about when a championship changes hands, the new champ throws chalk in the air with his arms spread wide? Cool, right? My idea.”