Wednesday, June 29, 2022

Monday Night Football announcers to wear ‘Droolin’ Over Stafford’ bibs and ‘Cutler Sucks’ hats

ESPN’s broadcast trio of Jon Gruden, Ron Jaworski and Mike Tirico are known for their sensational rants and raves when it comes to quarterbacks, but this week will bring a new wrinkle: outlandish apparel.

ESPN’s Beth Mowins recognized for ability to call games as poorly as most males

Following Illinois’ 38-35 victory over Northwestern Saturday, ESPN play-by-play broadcaster Beth Mowins was given praise by many viewers for her call of the game. “It was brutal,” said Illini fan Gary Wendell. “She was as bad at calling the game as most of the men at ESPN.”

NFL, ESPN agree to eight-year extension of Jon Gruden crotch shots

At the announcement, ESPN addressed the situation: “We’re aware of the concern, but Jon Gruden carries a considerable fan club of strange women over 40 and that demographic can’t be ignored.”

Receiver-deprived Giants sign Cris Carter and Shannon Sharpe

"I'm excited to welcome Shannon and Cris to our team and we expect them to become instant playmakers due to the fact that we had no decent receivers or tight ends other than Hakeem Nicks," said coach Tom Coughlin. "Since losing Steve and Kevin, our receiving corps looked pathetic"

Quade defers all managing decisions to Bobby Valentine for rest of the season

“Bobby is very insightful and he can see things from the press box that I can’t see in the dugout, like my players loafing after fly balls, dogging it to first, or eating sunflower seeds while in the field,” said Quade. “Considering that only one or two of my managing decisions this year have actually worked, I’m happy to defer all decision-making to him for the remainder of the season.”

ESPN broadcasts of Yankees-Red Sox games cancelled due to national indifference

“It’s about time. The games have gotten so stale that it feels like nothing ever happens,” said a high ranking employee at ESPN. “It’s like watching four and a half hours of 'Entourage' reruns every time they play.”

ESPN creates new stat that counts number of Met-like, agonizing losses a team has...

The new stat, called Total Mets Loss Factor (TMLF), will be determined by counting the number of agonizing, excruciating, heart and gut wrenching losses a team has per season, then rating them based on pain delivered to a fan of that team.