SEC

Following a record-breaking debut by rookie QB Cam Newton Sunday, the Carolina Panthers were rocked by allegations that Cam's father Cecil Newton sought substantial sums of money in return for his son playing for a major professional team.

The University of Miami police, a perennial Top 25 campus police force according to the Associated Police and the Harris Policeman Polls, was rocked by the news that it must vacate all of its arrests between 2002 to 2010.

“The portrayal was absolutely uncanny, and we all loved the part of the performance where they didn’t cross midfield until the game was virtually over," said one senior official of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. "At certain times it was hard to believe that we weren’t watching the actual Rams offense out there.”

“My staff and I were sitting around wondering when the 2030 class of freshmen would be available for recruiting," said the coach. "Then it hit us. Why have an age restriction? And even more, why can’t we recruit a player as early as possible?”

As John Calipari readied his top-ranked Wildcats for March Madness, the oft-maligned Kentucky coach took a few minutes to reflect on the hard work and dedication that's gotten him where he is today.

“I’m truly sorry to our university,” said a distraught Calipari. “I spent all my time and resources recruiting professional basketball players. I totally forgot to recruit some real pros to celebrate. I mean, once this title gets vacated, what else are people going to remember?”

"This is the South," said a clearly shaken Long. "We expect our leaders to be able to do certain things, and handling a motorcycle with someone who's not your wife on the back is certainly one of them. I get sick to my stomach every time I read an article that says Coach Petrino 'laid down his motorcycle' after he lost control. What the hell is that?"