"We're overjoyed!" said SOAPnet exec Sally Benson. "These guys are way more melodramatic than our current shows and storylines. Will Kobe [Bryant] and Dwight [Howard] make up? Or will their rivalry tear this team apart? You'll have to tune in to find out!"
In a shocking exposé that has cast a shadow over the entire NBA, Deadspin.com released a report alleging that, while the Lakers thought they had traded for perennial All-Star Dwight Howard, they actually acquired former Portland Trailblazer Greg Oden.
The Brits shot an amazing 89% from the field, and thanks to some nifty defenses drawn up by their mentor/owner Simon Cowell, they won going away, 116-90.
"Of course we can do it," said Brown. "If Kobe would just stop whining and get on board with the idea, I think this team can do very special, albeit horrible, things under my leadership."
After dropping their second game is as many nights, the Lakers dream team is currently 0-2 and flopping away this young season, ranking as the worst of California's four NBA squads.
"I just don't think yellow and purple work for me. Can we get a blue Lakers jersey?" said a whining Howard. "Also, the entire coaching staff needs to be fired, and I don't trust that Kobe guy. Get rid of him too. Can I get traded now?"