Dwight Howard opened up to the Los Angeles media this weekend, and to no one’s surprise he began listing his demands and wants.

“I just don’t think yellow and purple work for me. Can we get a blue Lakers jersey?” said a whining Howard. “Also, the entire coaching staff needs to be fired, and I don’t trust that Kobe guy. Get rid of him too. Can I get traded now?”

Lakers G.M. Mitch Kupchak said he was willing to do whatever Howard wanted in order to make the newly acquired center happy.

“Los Angeles fans are used to this type of abuse from the local celebrities,” saidKupchak “It’s the culture we embrace here, to give anything to anyone because we are that superficial so we’re already caving to all of Dwight’s demands.”

Based on Howard’s list of demands, the Lakers have chosen to rid themselves of coach Mike Brown, never allow a Van Gundy to get within 500 feet of Dwight and move the franchise to Smallville, Kansas.

Brew Dreesus