Region

Upon the arrival of Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger for the Super Bowl, Dallas area women have been arming to the teeth to defend themselves against the two-time accused sexual assaulter. Local bartender Susie ‘Bulldog’...

As soon as the cheerleader-less Packers and Steelers advanced to Super Bowl XLV, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones immediately went about the task of putting together the largest cheerleader team in history by hiring every stripper in the state of Texas.

While elite quarterbacks Aaron Rodgers, Ben Roethlisberger and Tom Brady dominate the postseason headlines, Bears quarterback Jay Cutler is baffled that his lifetime playoff exploits have been ignored. After a rout of the Seahawks Sunday, the surly QB hasn't lost a playoff game since prior to his Indiana high school Class 3A championship in 2000.

"Robbie did what no Bears team has done in quite a while and that's defeat Aaron Rodgers and the Packers," said Bears owner George McCaskey.

"I know people call it 'Shitty Okays,' but something about terrible overpriced bar food really gets to me," said David Stibe, from Davenport. "Even though the Convention isn't there this year, I just feel like I have to stop by for a $14 corned beef sandwich, hockey puck that it is."

Dozens of packed buses started to make their way into town Wednesday night; from Tinley Park to Evanston, Kankakee to Kenilworth, activists are geared up to let the leaders of these two teams know what they want.

"I know we have the reputation of being a loser, but have you looked at Cleveland's roster?" said Generals coach and owner Red Klotz. "They won 19 games last year. And don't get me started on teams like the T'Wolves, Bucks, Pacers, Raptors, Warriors, Kings, Bobcats and Wizards. Our ball boys could give some of these shitty teams a run for their money."