Upon the arrival of Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger for the Super Bowl, Dallas area women have been arming to the teeth to defend themselves against the two-time accused sexual assaulter. Local bartender Susie ‘Bulldog’ Anderson let her mind be heard.

“That oversized horny bear ain’t gonna get to me,” said Anderson. “I’m tougher than nails and I’m all Texas.”

Arlington gas station magnate Darlene Steedicer said she has been preparing for Roethlisberger’s arrival for some time.

“Every one of my 44 gas stations are stocked to high hell with Rhino-grade pepper spray,” she said. “If that ornery sonofabitch gets outta line us local gals will straighten his ass out right.”

Self-defense classes are also on the rise. To be completely prepared for “Grabby Hands Ben,” local universities have been offering discounted rates on Self-Defense 101. Duke Rellester, a Retired Marine Colonel and father to seven daughters, has been teaching such classes at the University of Texas-Arlington.

“I’m only showing these girls how to paralyze Roethlisberger, not kill him,” said Colonel Rellester. “Because if he tries anything around here I get first dibs.”

By Andy Landgrebe

Andy Landgrebe