Less than 24 hours after being named NFL Defensive Player of the Year, Steelers safety Troy Polamalu tested positive for Human Growth Hormone (HGH). As a result, the Pittsburgh star will be held out of this Sunday’s Super Bowl.
“While it pains me immensely, I have no choice but to suspend Troy for the remainder of the season, or in this case, the Super Bowl,” said league commissioner Roger Goodell. “His trademark locks may be luscious and shiny, but they’re also a grotesque reminder of the lengths players will go to get an unfair advantage.”
According to sources, Head & Shoulders has been slipping HGH into Polamalu’s conditioner ever since he became the smiling face of the brand. While some are shocked a brand like Head & Shoulders would take such a risk, one competitor isn’t surprised.
“They insured his hair for $1 million with Lloyd’s of London,” said a spokesman for rival Selsun Blue. “They have a lot to protect. Trust me, those guys at P&G are not above bending the rules. I’m surprised HGH is all they found in that bottle.”
Polamalu, meanwhile, was understandably distraught.
“All I wanted was to have gorgeous hair,” he said. “If I knew it would cost me a chance for another ring … well, actually, I would do it all again. Look at these locks. I’m like a Samoan Sampson!”