Missouri

"Listen, when the Hawks and Blues face off in the playoffs, we know how it's going to go. 75% of the time, one team will have the lead before coughing it up with minutes or seconds left to go, be it a power play on a [Brent] Seabrook penalty or an advantageous short-ranged shot from Bryan Bickell. But at the end of the day, fans are waiting around for three hours to get the same result they'd see from watching five minutes of an overtime game."

Sam, the first openly gay player ever drafted, is expected to find somebody else during the first month of the season between divisional road games against either Arizona and Seattle.

“Look dudes. You guys know the Brycenator totally scores with all kinds of beautiful babies. I mean I am like the biggest tail hound out there. I'm just a freaking wizard with all the sexy women. Also, I’m not gay.”

"I've really got my hands full up here with things like ISIS, climate change, racial unrest and vast crippling poverty around the globe so thanking me for allowing you to score a touchdown, win a NASCAR race or get drafted by the 76ers is just taking my time and attention away from far greater matters that need my full focus."

“You know, I just did what any other good-headed, I mean hearted, citizen would do in that situation,” said the 45-year-old Buck, with the plane’s tire marks still just barely visible on his alien-like cranium.

When asked for his secret, Derusso credited his no-nonsense, oldschool approach to bracketology that he attributed to the St. Louis style of baseball he so strongly supports, as well as general inexperience and pure luck.

“First in the Central Division. First in the National League. First in violating cyber-security worldwide, every American is grateful for the Cardinals diligence in cracking these uber-secured websites,” Mr. Obama said in a White House Rose Garden ceremony.