Chicago

Just minutes after the Blackhawks' 6-2 loss to Colorado Friday night, the living members of the 1972 Dolphins again annoyingly toasted the continuation of their reign as pro sports' most recent undefeated team.

"There have been several reports that I’ve gone missing,” the longtime NBA sharpshooter said from the Berto Center. “When the Chicago Police Department did a well-being check on me and after my wife, while grocery shopping, saw my picture on a milk carton, I thought it was about time I say something.”

Amid reports that Bulls management and the Rose camp are at odds about if and when the 2010-2011 league MVP would play for the team in 2013, Rose tweeted that he would “cast fate to the wind and let Miss Cleo handle my business.”

"We're excited," said goalie Corey Crawford, who still hasn't found out which team he will be on. "I just wish one of us was in the Eastern Conference so we could meet for the Stanley Cup."

In an announcement that has sent shock waves through the world's Catholic community, the Papal conclave in the Vatican has announced that the new Bishop of Rome will be none other than the mustache of Chicago Blackhawks head coach, Joel Quenneville.

"The Blackhawks have become synonymous with winning in this town, so that mantle is taken," said Cubs president Theo Epstein. "But losing? We own that. And that's how we plan to make history."

"This Blackhawks run has given them complete control of the United Center, so they can enjoy better ice conditions," said Emanuel. "Plus, we can tow anyone who parks on the court after four inches of snow, set up intersection cameras for revenue and ticket for playing Nate Robinson on defensive sets in the 4th."