In an announcement that has sent shock waves through the world’s Catholic community, the Papal conclave in the Vatican has announced that the new Bishop of Rome will be none other than the mustache of Chicago Blackhawks head coach, Joel Quenneville.

Archbishop of Chicago Francis George commended the selection, telling media sources, “While we had many outstanding cardinals who would have held the pontiff to a high standard of integrity and helped move the Church forward into the future, considering the miraculous start Quenneville’s mustache has led the Blackhawks to this season, there was no doubt in our minds this was our most worthy candidate.”

In his first official statement to the Catholics of the world as Pope, Quenneville’s mustache addressed a Vatican crowd to exclaim, “Deus enim et virtutis, Vade Accipitres,” which translated from Latin is, “For God and valor…Go Hawks!”

By Jeff GoodSmith

Jeff GoodSmith