Chicago

"I don't wanna discuss what happened in the locker room. I did hear the message though," said Toews. "My playoff beard needs to get better. Your beard needs to get better every day and it's time to improve. Bicks is right. If I can't grow it out in a few weeks I need to start training my beard now."

Monday morning quarterbacks throughout Chicago were busy analyzing the Bears' heartbreaking 31-24 loss to the Panthers Sunday and everyone agreed on one thing.

"I was thinking, 'Here we go again. Another political ad.' However, when I saw Governor Quinn cutting his lawn, I got up off my couch," said Nolan. "I knew. It was the way he was using that old fashioned lawn mower. Did you see the richness of his lawn? No misplaced or torn sod, not even any brown grass. There were no puddles, no mud. I don't know how he does it."

"At one point this season, our starting lineup had six guys batting .220 or lower and somehow we came within eight wins of a .500 year. Is that not good for anything?"

"Once again, the Bears completely fell apart against Green Bay, and I frankly wouldn't be surprised if we saw a super-race of cheesehead-wearing, flesh-eating zombies take over the entire Midwest," said Chicagosports.com's Steve Rosenbloom. "Sure, the team is 2-2, but Jay Cutler has almost certainly ushered in the era of disease, mayhem and destruction."

"Back up there in Wisconsin, every other car has a 10-point buck on the roof," said Wartonson. "Or at least a doe and a couple of foxes or something. What the hell do people in Chicago do from Monday to Saturday?"

"Anytime you're ready, guys," huffed soon-to-be retiring Paul Konerko. "You know I'm retiring too, right? That's like this weekend."