“Anytime you’re ready, guys,” huffed soon-to-be retiring Paul Konerko. “You know I’m retiring too, right? That’s like this weekend.”

Konerko was referencing the now ubiquitous Derek Jeter Gatorade commercials celebrating Jeter’s impending retirement. Currently no commercials were celebrating Konerko’s time as one of the greatest White Sox ever.

Gatorade Vice President of Marketing, Brian Larkin declared, “Gatorade really did plan on a commercial for Mr. Konerko similar to the Derek Jeter commercial. We were going to have Sinatra’s My Kind of Town playing in the background. However, we didn’t think “Pauley” could walk all the way from the streets to U.S. Cellular Field. He’s kinda like old. We were fearful of walking in some of the neighborhoods on the South Side. Furthermore, who was gonna be there in the stadium as he walks up to enter the game? We didn’t want to insult anyone if we computer generated the fans in the seats. Everyone would know that wasn’t real because no one goes to the Cell.”

“Maybe I haven’t been contacted because I don’t play in a major market or haven’t won a World Series. Oh wait a second,” sniped Konerko.

Konerko was so distraught with Gatorade he is telling his teammates not to give him a Gatorade shower after Sunday’s game.

When told that Konerko had yet to be offered a Gatorade commercial, White Sox announcer, Hawk Harrelson called the situation, “Absurd! Total and utter B.S.!”