Cubs

The Cubs announced today the long-awaited plans for the rehab of Wrigley Field. The renovation calls for a retro look going back to the 1960s, including a dome and the use of AstroTurf.

"We met at baseball and modeling camp one summer," said Campana in a statement. "She just couldn't visit last year because she was in some movies and underwear commercials."

"Oh man, these funeral directors are way more cheery than those clowns from the Cubs Convention," said Hilton bellman Steve Jones. "Every year you'd see the same dead-eyed Cubs fans walking around in Mark Grace jerseys convincing themselves this was finally the year. It's great to be done with that crap."

"I know people call it 'Shitty Okays,' but something about terrible overpriced bar food really gets to me," said David Stibe, from Davenport. "Even though the Convention isn't there this year, I just feel like I have to stop by for a $14 corned beef sandwich, hockey puck that it is."

Sosa made sure to bring all of his personality to his Pinterest by in no way letting his publicist position him in front of a camera while telling the former slugger, "Don't worry Sammy, you look great, America's gonna fall in love with you all over again."

"Theo [Epstein] was touched the first time we showed him the greatest baseball movie ever, Rookie of the Year," said Cubs executive Crane Kenney. "Now we are focused entirely on 12-year-olds with tendons healing 'a little too tight,' giving them the ability to throw 103 mph."

Shortly after the Cubs' 2003 collapse, Lakeview native and lifelong Cubs fan Brian Voils drank himself into a deep coma. For nine years he slumbered, until he woke up yesterday to see an amazing headline: Cubs sign Dontrelle Willis.