Shortly after the Cubs’ 2003 collapse, Lakeview native and lifelong Cubs fan Brian Voils drank himself into a deep coma. For nine years he slumbered, until he woke up yesterday to see an amazing headline: Cubs sign Dontrelle Willis. Voils immediately went into an excited tantrum.

“Can you believe this? D-Train, Kid K and Prior in the same rotation!!” he shouted, yanking the tubes out of his arms. “We even have the young stud Zambrano, who is lights out, and Matt Clement will be our number five! This is crazy! Maybe [former Cubs GM Jim] Hendry can work more magic and talk the Marlins out of Derrek Lee, too. Hahaha, that would be amazing … no way we are losing in 2004!”

After being told the real story of the past nine seasons, Voils requested to be put back in the coma, as he doesn’t think he can handle the jump from 2003 to what is sure to be the miserable 2013 season.