Cubs

"I wanted to reassure all of them that soon the Cubs will be a consistently winning franchise, just not right now," Ricketts said. "Our top prospects are only in A and AA ball but when they finally do get the call to the majors we will be ready for them with new toilets and a big bright Budweiser sign in right field at Wrigley."

“I’ll be damned if we’ll lose 100 games again,” skipper Dale Sveum told Cubs.com. “These new guys are here to contribute to the ball club.”

Apparently, the plan is part of the Cubs already dismal September call-ups. When contacted by the Heckler for further reasoning, Epstein explained.

Friday marked the return of Ryne Sandberg to Chicago as a big league manager. The Cubs celebrated the event by bringing in Bruce Sutter to give up a couple homers to Ryno and then actually beat his team two out of three games.

“I’ve decided to twerk the lineup a bit. You know, change it up,” Sveum told The Vine Line.

“Sandberg ... damn, I knew it started with an ‘S’,” Epstein was overheard muttering as he strode by reporters before Friday’s game.

With the enthusiasm of an accountant at a chapter 13 hearing, Sandberg told Cubs.com that he is committed to learning to speak in sentences of more than six words in length, show a hint of a reflection in his otherwise monotone voice, and flash an occasional smile.