International

“I read this article about how I used to eat 12,000 calories per day while competing,” said Phelps. “Have you seen those tacos made out of potato chips? Catching up will be no problem, once I figure this out. Hey, do you know if I was a competitive eater?”

“He texted me, ‘Does this thing happen every year?’,” said Lukas. “Which is weird, because I hadn’t heard from him in weeks. And when I told him, ‘No, the Olympics alternate every two years between summer and winter games,’ he said, ‘So they’ll be in jackets next time?’ I didn't quite understand, but kinda started to feel like I wanted to go cut his cable.”

“These athletes, they’re sick of the recession, too,” said store owner Sal Smith. “Why hang your gold on a wall when you can get dinner and a new pair of shoes? You gonna forget you won? Write it down!”

Who makes the cut on your Olympic zombie-fighting team?

Team names are fun, but they don't always accurately reflect a franchise's players and fans. Here at The Heckler, we've created a few alternate names and logos that are more descriptive of the teams they represent.

The manager of GameStop Detroit phoned 911 and pleaded for help, "They're trying to break in! They want to play their game but we think it's an unfair deal for GameStop. A game of this caliber should be going for $70, not $60! I mean, come on! There's a new freaking skating physics engine for Christ's sake. These gamers have had it too good for too long!"

The injury, oddly, had almost no effect on Bettman, who is expected to recover fully. After the pencil was removed, much of the shrapnel remained in the victim’s head, but, according to doctors, this hasn’t yet affected his normal state.