With the Summer Olympics ready to infiltrate London in July, athletes are heading into a critical stretch of training. This includes Michael Phelps, who won a record eight gold medals in Beijing back in 2008. The problem is, Phelps cannot remember what for.

“I read this article about how I used to eat 12,000 calories per day while competing,” said Phelps. “Have you seen those tacos made out of potato chips? Catching up will be no problem, once I figure this out. Hey, do you know if I was a competitive eater?”

The last few years have been a whirlwind of interviews, awards, cameos and parties for Phelps, who says the majority of what he recalls includes sandwiches and autographing cleavage.

Looking through several albums containing old clippings of himself in various Speedos only lead to more confusion and an awkward phone conversation with the police. But now Phelps is back on track, trying to determine why it is that the Olympics committee keeps leaving him angry voicemails.

“Somebody called and asked why I hadn’t been to the pool yet,” said Michael Phelps. “So I said, ‘I believe you’re mistaken. This is Michael Phelps the Subway pitchman,’ and he said that Jared is the Subway pitchman and I’m a swimmer. And I was like, ‘What? I haven’t been swimming in probably four years.’ He freaked out a little when I said that.”

Bandwagon Dan