“With Lockout Edition, you generate points on what a player does off the field, instead of on it,” said an ESPN.com representative. “Points will be awarded based on players who get charged with a DUI, murder, rape, possession of a firearm, possession of a controlled substance, animal cruelty, and so on.”
“I was worried some of the players weren’t going to show up this year because of all the talk about them being cash-strapped,” said Wilf. “But it turns out their giant signing bonuses and outrageous salaries were enough to keep them owning yachts despite this short work stoppage.”
“With the support of Jesus, the fans, and my family, I’ve learned the error of my ways,” Burress said. “I am a changed man. The next time I go into a nightclub with a bunch of strippers and hoodlums, I will have a trigger lock on my unregistered firearm."
“Don’t me wrong, he’s still a top 25 quarterback,” said one fan who called into Mike Francesa's radio show on the Fan. “But, would I have been upset if he missed the rest of his career due to a tragic mauling while doing good works in Africa? Ehhh. Probably not.”
With the NFL lockout on the verge of updating its status from rumor to reality, the owners have decided to test the theory that fans don’t pay to see the owners play by organizing professional kick the can leagues where the owners star as players.
During a recent interview with Barbara Walters, Archie Manning revealed that despite having fathered two of the best quarterbacks in recent history, he only really loves the son that wins the Super Bowl that year.
New England Patriots 21 San Diego Chargers 12