With the NFL lockout on the verge of updating its status from rumor to reality, the owners have decided to test the theory that fans don’t pay to see the owners play by organizing a professional kick the can league where the owners star as players.

“Unfortunately, we can’t play football since our average age is 69,” Vikings owner Zygi Wilf said. “Pat Bowlen can skip stones on the ocean like an expert from his yacht, but who’s going to pay to watch someone skip stones?”

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones pre-tested the theory on MythBusters and was pleased with the result, although he said he was absolutely amazed to see a can of biscuit dough explode in a hot car.

“Since kick the can was never a pro sport before, there are no game films to study,” Jones said. “Towards that end we’re going to watch ‘Twilight Zone: The Movie’.”

Instead of kicking an actual tin can, the owners will use an official NFL football primarily because they don’t have to ask anyone for permission to do so and the pigskin won’t scuff their expensive shoes. “Although most footballs are made of synthetic rubber, the NFL was always able to go whole hog,” Redskins owner Dan Snyder said. Snyder, 44 years old, is the leading candidate to win kick the can rookie of the year honors because he has experience playing hackey sack.

The National Kick the Can Conference will feature teams in Chicago and Green Bay, and the word is out that those two really don’t like each other.

By Rob C. Christiansen