Knicks’ GM Glen Grunwald forwarded forfeit papers to the NBA league office today after it was discovered that every Knicks player intentionally suffered a season-ending injury on Tuesday. The Miami Heat will advance to the quarter finals after winning only two of seven games.
Reports state the players agreed to a solidarity pact in which each of them would punch something like their captain, Amar’e Stoudemire. Some believe their fear of being swept by LeBron James and Heat was the main reason for their actions.
Carmelo Anthony, often described as selfish, once again lived up to the criticism by opting not to force his fist into any inanimate objects.
“If your friends jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge would you follow ’em?” Melo asked. “I’m a superstar. Superstars ain’t gotta do what everyone else do. I need my right hand to sign my fat paychecks, son!”
Landry Fields attempted to punch a Miami palm tree, but missed, instead falling face forward to the pavement and suffering a mild concussion, which he claimed was “what he meant to do.”
Baron Davis was going to punch something, but it was revealed he had 13 other pre-existing injuries already.
Tyson Chandler injured his palm when he instinctively blocked Mike Bibby’s hand from punching a brick wall, also breaking Bibby’s wrist in the process.
Steve Novak, and J.R. Smith, who have become fast friends this season, decided it would be best if they punched each other. Novak suffered a broken orbital bone, a fractured wrist, and lost three teeth. Smith lost the nail on his pinky finger, an injury that he claims “still wouldn’t prevent him from shooting the ball 40 times a game.”
When asked if he agreed with his players’ actions, coach Mike Woodson simply shrugged, and said, “We weren’t gonna win this series healthy, at least now we can make excuses. Oh and believe me, I wasn’t expecting a contract extension anyway.”