ARLINGTON – The Texas Rangers unveiled its All-Star ’Roid Rangers team* after it was reported on Saturday that shortstop Alex Rodriquez tested positive in 2003 for performance-enhancing drugs.

Coincidentally, Rodriguez won his first American League MVP award in 2003 after batting .298 with 47 home runs and 118 RBIs for the last place Rangers.

  • C – Ivan “Pudge” Rodriguez (Sure has slimmed down after cutting french fries from his diet after the Mitchell Report came out)
  • 1B – Rafael Palmiero (Said “I’ve never used steroids” to Congress, then tested positive later that year after reaching the 500 home run plateau)
  • 2B – Randy Velarde (The biggest little man in Rangers history, according to the Mitchell Report)
  • 3B – Ken Caminiti (Admitted he used steroids, among other drugs, before he died of a drug overdose)
  • SS – Alex Rodriguez (A-Fraud more accurate nickname than first thought)
  • LF – Jose Canseco (The accomplished author and humanitarian is still jucing today)
  • RF – Juan Gonzalez (Only alleged, but working out seemed very, very good for him)
  • CF – Gary Matthews Jr. (Linked in the Mitchell Report after all-world season with Rangers)
  • DH – Sammy Sosa, David Segui (At least Segui admits he had a little help)

*In order to keep with Rangers policy, this team has no pitching either.


heckler editorial staff