Bryant’s agent, Scott Boras, renegotiated the third baseman’s contract to include a selection of magazines and newspapers that will be housed in his client’s new commode.
"I've always said I'm a man of the people," said Kenney. "And to prove it, I'm going to allow fans the opportunity to use my 950 square foot executive restroom to do what I can to help with the major restroom issues we had last night."
Now that the new "High-Fade Retro Dub Zero Gucci Stab The Guy In Line Next To You" Air Jordans are out, Nike wants you to know that no less than total carnage and bloodshed will suffice as they begin selling off the one shoe that, to quote an anonymous Nike representative, is "worth firing a gun off in the mall or shooting a total stranger so you can get yourself a pair.”
"I’m sorry, but I’m not going to stand for these vicious actions any longer. These barbaric tactics need to cease. Won’t you please join me in signing this petition to stop the heinous and suffocating actions of the Cubs front office?"
“You see, when teams are struggling for a long time, they tend to get a little desperate,” said Chicago police officer Bob Jones. “Lose for over a century, and then something like this happens.”
"We appreciate what Kris has done this spring, but he had 40 at bats and only hit nine home runs," said team President Theo Epstein. "That's just not acceptable if he wants to play in the big leagues."
"It was great of Coach Smith to send us all that money, but I was at a $10,000 minimum table and only had $9,800 on me," said Jordan. "Luckily the pit boss let me sign the check over to them."
Hawks to wear GoPro cameras while picking up groupies as part of EPIX’s Road to the Bootycall Classic
In a new partnership that will give hockey fans an unprecedented look into the lives of their favorite players, EPIX and the NHL have teamed up with the Chicago Blackhawks as part of this year’s "Road to the Bootycall Classic."
"SB Nation, Bleacher Report and Deadspin all need to check their facts," said a spokesman for the Associated Press. "Either that, or maybe come up with a new way to say that a defender was fooled by a basketball move."