"Bill will not be allowed to participate in any aspect of the 5-hour program. No interviews. No canned speeches in the locker room. Nothing," said commissioner Roger Goodell. "With this punishment, we can finally put the whole scandal behind us and remind people this is a game filled with integrity, presented by Mercedes and Bud Light."
"In addition to getting every call right, it will also provide much-needed stoppage time for players to rest, advertisers to advertise and fans to get snacks or use the restroom," said Goodell. "Everybody wins. Plus, we can now bill the Super Bowl as a two-day event, which is sure to excite people. If four hours of football is good, then 36 hours is better, right?"
"You may be wondering if we purposefully deflated our balls and the answer is 'Yes'," admitted a smug and unapologetic Belichick. "Sure, we had home field advantage and a better all-around team, but is that ever enough to stick it to your opponent?"
“We have the premier manager in all the game in Joe Maddon, we signed a three-time World Series champion in Jon Lester, and our Spring Training facility is the best in all of MLB,” said Ricketts. “To top it off, Edwin Jackson will rebound in 2015 to win 25 games and take home Cy Young Award honors.”
"For years, Eddie has struggled to keep his love of soft-serve ice cream under control. While his obsession with the frozen treat may seem harmless, like when he jokes with partner Pat Foley about getting some ice cream during broadcasts, it can lead to destructive behavior. We all love Eddie and just want him to get better soon."
"While the scheme technically achieved its objective, it's been my experience that setting more challenging goals is the way to go," said Fox. "It's pretty basic. If you only score 20 to 30 points per game on average, then holding the other team to 55 isn't going to result in victory."
"When they told me I would be a central piece of the team's rebuilding project, I thought 'sure, I'll do my best to bring a winning attitude,'" said the former Red Sox ace. "It came as a complete shock when [GM Theo] Epstein handed me the keys to a bulldozer and told me to get to work."
"What am I gonna do, say no?" Maddon asked. "A guy from Des Moines wanted me to buy him a couple beers, so I said 'sure, drinks on me.' Next thing I know word spread throughout the whole hotel that I was buying for everyone. I guess this is why I can only afford to live in an RV."
The Grateful Dead today announced three shows at Soldier Field this summer as a farewell run and commemoration of the band's 50th anniversary. The news came as a shock to Bears fans who associated anything "dead" at Soldier Field with the Chicago Bears.