"This is a clear violation of my privacy," Goodell told the assembled media at a press conference. "Hey, you with the Funyuns, can I have a couple?"
Justin Verlander has arranged something that is likely to trump what any other team has given Jeter: swimsuit super model Kate Upton.
"We knew this day would come. I was telling Tony [Perma-Seal technician], you watch the phone's gonna ring," said Perma-Seal rep Tom Surma. "It's like we tell all our clients, you can't deal with amateurs. Theo called on Thursday and we discussed a bundled price. We can work package deals."
Burgundy stormed off the set in the middle of the sports report because the veteran anchorman was livid over the fact that a girl was pitching in the Little League World Series. The audio was captured for all of San Diego to hear.
After Thursday's loss to the Brewers, several Cubs players and team president Theo Epstein took the popular "Ice Bucket Challenge," dumping cold water over their heads to raise money and awareness for the ALS Foundation. Unfortunately, a few of the players are now suffering from hypothermia and may miss the rest of the season.
Oh Glorious Brothers. Our majestic nation has won yet another prestigious Worldwide Sporting competition and in the process brought further shame upon the evil democratic regime of the United States of America.
“As the statistics currently show, Baez is on pace to never draw a base-on-balls in his MLB career,” said James. “However, when you look at number of pitches seen per at bat vs. those that he swings and misses at vs. those he takes, my projection is that his first walk will occur on June 15, 2018.”
The Cross-Fat Games combine High-Intensity Interval Eating with Olympic beer drinking and plyometric sundae snacking. The inaugural games were won by the rubinesque Colon who narrowly beat out former Lions QB Scott Mitchell, who is apparently now huge.