"Although many people in Chicago stayed up to watch the game, we realized that nearly 78% of all viewers in Anaheim turned the game off and went to bed shortly after the first intermission ended," NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman said. "We just can't have that. So with that in mind, we have decided to begin Game 3 at 7 a.m. PDT on Thursday."
"It's a pattern. Trust me," said a peeved Brady. "Do you know how many times he's checked out Giselle [Bundchen]? He's always asking me if she's coming to practice, the games. It's beyond uncomfortable. Frankly I'm sick of it. So no, him checking out Chrissy is not surprising. He probably used his famous line about wanting to see one of my Super Bowl rings that's in my hotel room."
"It took our entire postseason run, but we finally found a way to 'Keep the Red Out," said Predators PR manager Bubby Brisco, Jr. "Ya'll Yankees think you can outsmart us, but ya'll was wrong."
“It’s the logical next step, Economics 101,” owner Tom Ricketts declared while addressing reporters outside Wrigley’s Captain Morgan Club. “If our fans, the greatest fans in the world, want a beer with a slice of baseball then, by gosh, we’re going to give them a beer with a slice of baseball. For a nominal fee."
Bryant’s agent, Scott Boras, renegotiated the third baseman’s contract to include a selection of magazines and newspapers that will be housed in his client’s new commode.
In keeping with the tradition of being part of a team that hasn’t had too much success in the past eight years, Cubs owner Tom Ricketts is ditching the Cubbie blue to join the boys in red.
Some off-the-field distractions have left fans of the team feeling a little bit frustrated and despondent. Thankfully, a new PR campaign generated by the Cubs brain trust has totally turned any negativity around and generated what many people are calling the happiest, most wonderful, feel-good success story in the history of social media.
"We were unprepared for Sunday's game," Cubs owner Tom Ricketts told reporters. "And that's on us. We don't plan to be caught by surprise again. That's why, until construction is over, we have added portable toilets to the premises, and for the first time have made it acceptable for fans to urinate on the field, so long as it's really an emergency."