“Feldmania” continues to rage like Barry Bonds after a bad PED injection (allegedly, of course, we have no proof) as Scott Feldman won his fourth straight start Saturday.
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When league officials informed him he would not be allowed to make “jungle juice” or “flaming Dr. Peppers” in the cup, Kane asked, “So do we have to stick with champagne and beer? I mean, Four Loko is okay, right?”
Saddened by his team’s flat performance in Saturday’s 4-1 playoff loss to the Red Wings, Patrick Kane claimed to be “super depressed” and predicted he’d probably only take home three or four girls from the bar later this evening.
The procedure itself went off without a hitch but when Gronkowski awoke, he was angry and confused. He easily ripped off his restraints and shouted “GRONK SMASH!” before bashing a hole in the secret “hospital” and storming off.
“Normally amnesty means granting freedom to a large group of individuals, but in the case of the NBA, it’s what happens to an really, really overpaid player like me. You see, the team tells me ‘bye bye,’ but I still get paid. Crazy, right?”
“It feels good, man. You can’t rush these things, but now I’m finally back to where I can jump, cut, and move the way I know I can. I’m ready to help this team beat the Heat!” a confident Rose said.
“Ugh, that doll is so irritating,” a dissatisfied customer griped. “For the longest time it didn’t make a peep. Then all of a sudden every time my daughter touches the thing it starts crying. Heck, it’s reached the point where the doll starts waa-ing when my daughter just gets close to it.”
“Rose’s gambling had just gone out of control. He’s a hyper-competitive guy, and that manifested itself with all-night poker games and off-days spent in casinos, but it really crossed a line when he started betting on games.”
“Is this Lady Byng chick hot?” asked Kane. “I didn’t already hook up with her or something, did I?”
Play along as the Blackhawks take on the rival Red Wings in what NBC Sports will probably bill as the biggest grudge match since ever!
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Coach Mike Babcock said of his team that meandered between the 9th and 10th spots in the conference before making the NHL tourney. “We backed into the playoffs and then got lucky enough to beat a hockey club that cares even less than we do.”
