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"This is why you put on the surgical mask and gloves," said team surgeon Michael Benson. "No offense to the other guys on the roster, but the chance to work with Derrick is a once in a lifetime opportunity."
“To me, my vote was all about the numbers,” claimed Old Town resident Stu McGregor, who spent his Sunday afternoon voting for Coghlan the maximum 50 times on his iMac and another 50 times from a second account on his iPhone. “The Cubs are undefeated when Coghlan starts this year, while the Nationals are winning only about 60% of Harper starts.”
“Warming up before games with a good bounce was an idea I had,” said Cubs skipper Joe Maddon. “Maybe trampolines on the wall and ceiling went too far. Who’s to say? We’re just here trying not to suck.”
"I'm going to be so amazing, it will make your head spin," said Trumpell. "Which is the real reason you'll have a concussion, not because of playing football. Any idiot knows that."