The Cubs made national headlines Friday by announcing the hiring of Joe Maddon, whose Tampa Bay Rays won 77 games in 2014, three more than the lowly North Siders.
“As soon as we heard Madden was available, we grabbed him up,” beamed Cubs President Theo Epstein. “We were shocked to hear that he opted out of his contract with Ace Hardware, but I’m proud of how this baseball organization pulled together and executed so quickly to get him.”
"Our goal first and foremost is that World Series championship. I have to say though it's pretty cool to bring the fans [Bruce] Springsteen, Pearl Jam and Billy Joel. The added revenue from these outdoor concerts would really boost the Cubs bottom line. Maybe having Taylor Swift play here a few weekends would help us afford Max Scherzer. Fans wouldn't be complaining then."
The renovations of Wrigley Field hit another snag early Friday morning with Todd "Bubba" Ricketts was found passed out on a pile of construction rubble at the job site. Work is expected to resume Friday afternoon when construction workers expect Ricketts will be sober enough to muster the strength required to leave on his own power.
"We're talking about a team that's lost more than 90 games a season for the last five years. Does anyone really want to watch these guys play baseball?" said rooftop owners' spokesperson Michael Fielder. "Everyone just comes here for the party, not the baseball, so that's what we'll give them."
"If we're being completely honest, I've been looking for a convenient excuse to get back out there on the field and show these kids what a real quarterback looks like."
Built as a long-awaited expansion in 2006, Wrigley's bleachers were structurally sound and clean, which is why the Cubs said they needed to be destroyed.
After another stunning home loss, this time to the mediocre Miami Dolphins, Chicago Bears head coach Marc Trestman was terse. Taking a page out of Bill Belichick's playbook, Trestman refused to answer any questions during the press conference with anything other than, "We're on to New England."
While Bernabe wouldn't quote exact figures, sources knowledgeable with the deal are indicating that Bryant will be paid upwards of $300,000 during the contract, or roughly $42,857 per year, which is two-and-a-half times what the average Minor League player makes.