"At one point this season, our starting lineup had six guys batting .220 or lower and somehow we came within eight wins of a .500 year. Is that not good for anything?"
Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight career NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
Mankato, Minn., resident Calvin Schroeder concluded a 48-hour period of much soul-searching Friday by announcing that he needs to “get this right” by cutting running back Adrian Peterson from his fantasy football roster.
“To be a winger on a line anchored by Captain Serious and Kaner is tougher than when I roped the Brooklyn Bridge to LaGuardia Airport in 1999,” Wallenda said.
"C'mon, Cat Scratch Fever is awesome and Ted promised he wouldn't bring any loaded guns to the game," said Goodell. "We thought this news would shift the focus away from the Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson situations, and the way we keep dousing them with gasoline. Which reminds me, there will be amazing pyrotechnics during the show. America will love it!"
"There have been so many successful TV spinoffs from Fargo and Stargate SG-1 to MASH, one of the most successful shows of all time, that we felt it was time to make a recurring series from the beloved The Longest Yard films," said Goodell.
"Wouldn't you know it?" said the law enforcement agent. "I double checked and the Ray Rice DVD was in my Spider-Man 2 Blu-Ray sleeve the whole time. I must have sent the wrong one. Man, this is embarrassing."
“We were aware that there was a penalty of some sort,” said head referee, Roger Goodell. “But until we saw the video, we really had no idea what actually could have happened in that scrum and what the level of the infraction could possibly have been. I mean, who could? Until we saw the video replay, it was a mystery!”