"I'm going to be so amazing, it will make your head spin," said Trumpell. "Which is the real reason you'll have a concussion, not because of playing football. Any idiot knows that."
"This is a best of seven series," said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver. "We have TV deals in place, player contract stipulations must be enforced and I'd personally like to see LeBron [James] just destroy Toronto's will to live, to be honest."
"I believe the best team in the league right now are the Braves, I think that Augie Ojeda is the best baseball player of all time, and Joey Fatone was the best member of NSYNC. That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it."
"Look, it's going to be this way for a while with the Cubs and Pirates," said Cardinals GM John Mozeliak. "So we thought it just made sense to take pride in our current situation. Namely, that we have the best fans of a mediocre team in baseball."
For the first time in years, baseball is the most relevant sport in Chicago on May 1. The Blackhawks have been eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs, ending their season. This has led to some startling revelations for Hawks fans.
"The cereal is already selling like hotcakes. We're crushing Tony the Tiger, Cap ‘N Crunch, you name it," beamed Rizzo. “But we thought adding the toy Lester glove to the mix, sales might literally go through the roof and then we could afford to hire a mental health professional to help Jon get over this whole throwing issue."