Sunday, June 26, 2022

ESPN creates new stat that counts number of Met-like, agonizing losses a team has...

The new stat, called Total Mets Loss Factor (TMLF), will be determined by counting the number of agonizing, excruciating, heart and gut wrenching losses a team has per season, then rating them based on pain delivered to a fan of that team.

Irvin mourns ESPN firing with coke and whore binge, which is the same way...

ESPN has told NFL analyst Michael Irvin that they will no longer need his services. Irvin, who worked for ESPN since 2003, didn't seem too disappointed in the network's choice. The former Dallas Cowboy mourned the decision with a three-day binge that included drugs, sex and more drugs, which was the same way he celebrated getting the job three years ago.

ESPN fires Dusty after one hour on the job

Quick to hire deposed Cubs skipper Dusty Baker over the winter, ESPN was just as swift to cut ties with the former three-time NL Manager of the Year Thursday, canning him after only one-hour on the job.

ESPN broadcasts of Yankees-Red Sox games cancelled due to national indifference

“It’s about time. The games have gotten so stale that it feels like nothing ever happens,” said a high ranking employee at ESPN. “It’s like watching four and a half hours of 'Entourage' reruns every time they play.”

Quade defers all managing decisions to Bobby Valentine for rest of the season

“Bobby is very insightful and he can see things from the press box that I can’t see in the dugout, like my players loafing after fly balls, dogging it to first, or eating sunflower seeds while in the field,” said Quade. “Considering that only one or two of my managing decisions this year have actually worked, I’m happy to defer all decision-making to him for the remainder of the season.”

Receiver-deprived Giants sign Cris Carter and Shannon Sharpe

"I'm excited to welcome Shannon and Cris to our team and we expect them to become instant playmakers due to the fact that we had no decent receivers or tight ends other than Hakeem Nicks," said coach Tom Coughlin. "Since losing Steve and Kevin, our receiving corps looked pathetic"

NFL, ESPN agree to eight-year extension of Jon Gruden crotch shots

At the announcement, ESPN addressed the situation: “We’re aware of the concern, but Jon Gruden carries a considerable fan club of strange women over 40 and that demographic can’t be ignored.”