Marlins expect attendance to increase 100% by importing Korean soccer club’s sex dolls

Not exactly what Abner Doubleday had in mind when he invented baseball, the Miami Marlins plan to use sex dolls disguised as fans in the stands when baseball resumes.

Marlins fan falls asleep while diving for home run ball

After a home run off the bat of Justin Ruggiano flew halfway into the second deck, Florida resident Andy Kelley reached most of the length of two full seats to intercept the ball as it bounced by, but fell asleep in the middle of the effort.

Hawks re-acquire Kris Versteeg exclusively to rap new goal song

“We’ve been draining every ounce of energy from this song for several years,” said Bowman. “Honestly, at this point it’s become way too humble. Seriously. We’ve got rings, plural. Girls. Whirlpools. The guys are popping out babies left and right. It’s time to rap about it.”

‘Bored’ Guillen takes job as school crossing guard

Aside from a few local personal appearances and sports commentary gigs on national television, Guillen has done little to occupy his time. He told a local radio station that his days are spent mostly watching television. ”I love the Maury Povich Show. I can spend hours trying to figure out who’s the father.”

’72 Dolphins will recognize Blackhawks’ undefeated start minus any wins over Columbus

"We love what the Blackhawks are doing," said former running back Larry Csonka, who is a spokesman for the only Super Bowl-era team to finish a full season undefeated. "We will recognize their accomplishment with one rule--we are not going to count any more games against Columbus."

‘Good effort, good job’ kid already most hated child in America

As the few diehards left the American Airlines Arena after their team’s game 5 loss to the Celtics, one encouraging young fan shouted the words that may forever go down in infamy: “Good effort. Good job.”

LeBron finally earns college degree

Fulfilling a promise he made to his mother while a senior at St. Vincent-St. Mary High School in Akron, Ohio, NBA all-star LeBron James has earned a college degree.