St. Louis Cardinals

“I could have donated them, but I didn’t feel like dragging them all to the Brown Elephant,” Vaughn said.“ Looks like my only hope for a profitable 2012 would be if the Cubs could sign Yu Darvish.”

The Cardinals reportedly lost their superstar Albert Pujols to the Angels because the pious first baseman believed the religiously named team was actually owned by God. There's no word on whether Pujols is now aware the team is actually owned by billboard magnate Arte Moreno, but should he find out and have him sour on the decision, it's too late now as the deal has already been signed.

"I'll be able to call the guys anytime to get them to warm up or even shoot them a text if I feel like it," said Matheny. "The girl at the Verizon store even showed me how to set up a group so I can send them all the same message."

"There simply is not enough talent, after this off-season, to remain in the major leagues," said Selig. "One team is liable to make the playoffs with 70 wins."

After Albert Pujols informed the Los Angeles Angels he did not want them using "El Hombre" as a slogan on their billboards, out of deference to his personal admiration to Stan "The Man" Musial, team officials have replaced the offensive slogan with billboards that simply say "Suck it, Musial."

“I actually tried to have the Cardinals’ ring presentation in Chicago," he said. "That way, I could have lived up to my expectation to bring a World Championship to the North Side years ahead of schedule!”

Any doubts Albert Pujols had that the Cardinals were harboring ill-will toward him after he left the team for the free agency millions of the Angels, were erased when he opened his mail Monday morning and discovered his 2011 World Series ring had been shipped to him on the middle finger of a cadaver’s hand, on dry ice in a Cracker Jack box.