St. Louis Cardinals

FINALLY! Spring is here. It's gorgeous out and there is still time to join The Heckler at Wednesday night's Cubs-Cards game and Old Style pre-party at The Stretch. With prices starting at just $39 you'll get a ticket in section 233 (not bad!) and a free pre-game buffet and $2 Old Styles from 5 to 7. But you have to hurry! Only a limited number of spots remain.

Nearly a half-century later, the Cubs have undone the most lopsided trade in franchise history by signing 71-year-old Lou Brock, who is still faster than any current Cub, to be the team’s designated base stealer.

Cardinals infielder Ryan Theriot will be wearing a bullseye on his chest to aid fans and opponents looking to hurl any variety of objects at him in his first game at Wrigley since this off-season when the former Cub said he was now finally on the "right side" of the Cubs-Cards rivalry.

The big rumor floating around the Chicago sports world is that the Cubs will try to land prized free agent first baseman Albert Pujols during the offseason. A picture of Jim Hendry and Pujols hugging before a recent game has only fueled the speculation.

Marty Brennaman has been making other bold statements on behalf of the general public, saying such things as “People hate corn. Corn is the most hated vegetable,” and “Jim and Pam, Ross and Rachel, people have rooted against couples like this for ages.”

“I just couldn’t stand all those other wines,” pouted La Russa. “None of them tasted like I wanted them to. Some were too oaky, others too bitter. After a lot of crying and some pretty serious soul-searching, I decided to just start making my own wine."

“We’re really excited,” said Subway V.P. of Marketing Tom Butler. “We get to trade a spokesman who simply went from morbidly obese to normal for a spokesman who went from morbidly obese to normal and can hit a fastball.”